From teacher:
Please begin this essay on a fresh page and add a title.
Paragraphs must be INDENTED, not blocked.
Works Cited should be on a separate page from the essay and have it’s own header.
Entries on the Works Cited page must be written in MLA documentation formatting including indentations and italics where required.  Check out the Bedford Researcher textbook for the correct way to present a Works Cited page.

From classmates:
#1
Introduction:
Great job structuring your introduction paragraph. I would only say to make sure to place a title, make it a little clearer what your stance with how the internet affects us and ensure that your essay does not announce a plan.
Body organization and development
You structured your paragraphs well but I would go into more detail and use them to help solidify your viewpoint with each one. Perhaps instead of talking about the internet in your thesis, you could focus on Twitter or social media since you write a lot about it.
Conclusion:
Try and pick a side or a clearer stance in regards if the internet is a positive or negative thing. I also recommend starting the conclusion with a different sentence such as “In conclusion”. Also be sure to specifically restate your thesis and main points that you covered in your essay.
Documentation:
You did a great job with citing sources in your essay and meeting the criteria!
Grammar and Usage:
There are a few places where I recommend a different choice of words to better help you express your view point. There are also a few places where there isn’t a space between sentences such as in your conclusion.
Sentence Structure:
Besides the use of words and grammar issues listed above, in your first paragraph, you begin talking about Clinton and what she said but then your next sentence starts with he which confuses the reader.
Overview
Overall, I believe you have done a great job finding the positive and negative impacts that the internet has on us. Great job with the rough draft so far, be sure to utilize other people’s opinions and to re-read your essay once you are finished and to make sure to extend your word count to 1500 words.
#2
INTRODUCTION
I like your introduction, but adding a title would be great. Adding in why the argument is important would be good to add into the introduction. Instead of saying “This essay” you could replace it with “the topic…” to make it sound like you are not announcing a plan.

BODY ORGANIZATION AND DEVELOPMENT
Great job with choosing the topics and keeping the evidence within the essay. I like the transitions that you use in your essay such as ‘moreover, etc…”. The main focus is always kept in check, great job.

CONCLUSION
I like that you added both opposing points of view into the essay.

DOCUMENTATION
Nicely clearly sited evidence and also good job with the alphabetized works cited page.

GRAMMAR AND USAGE
Small error where you go into depth about Clinton, but then go in and say “for, instance, he propounds…”

SENTENCE STRUCTURE
In the last paragraph you used “it” a few times; different words could be placed there for a better understanding.

OVERVIEW
What I liked most about your essay is that you chose two topics that were great to combine together and see both sides on. The single most important revision that you could make would be replace the word “it” with a different word, and to also change the Clinton error as previously mentioned.

#3
Introduction: Great intro! The only thing you need is a title, make sure that your title clear and relate to your essay.
Body Organization and Development: I think you did a good job in your body paragraphs. However, you should focus on Twitter and social media more than just Internet.
Conclusion: You have done a good job on your conclusion but it would greater if you can bring some idea for how to solve the problem.
Documentation : It seems like you did a lot of research! There are lots of information in your essay! Good job!
Grammar and Usage: Just a couple of awkward sentences and phrases, but I can understand what you want to say though.
Sentence Structure : In your last paragraph, you should change the word “it” to something clearer, it can makes your reader confuse about what you trying to say.
Overview: You have a good start though! I admit that I was surprised when I read your first paragraph. Because I didn’t think that you can combine those two articles in your essay, but you did a good job. Hope my preview can help you to improve your essay!

Category: Essays